Dark Night

Dark Night 

It was only one dark night, but little did I know that by the end of the night, my life will have changed forever.

At that time, my entire life could have been classified as dark. My reality was bleak and unfortunate.

Other people thought I was living a perfect life- I had a reliable husband with an even more reliable pay check, a career and a beautiful house. But all was not well in the kingdom. Although I loved my husband and he loved me, we have always had our share of problems. He was a very controlling man who always liked things to be done his way. In the earlier years of our relationship, I put up a good fight and always protested, but later I just gave up. He barely even let me help him plan the wedding. As if he was the centre of attention in the event. We fought about this many a time, but he always gently explained to be that he was only this way because he cared so much about me, and wanted to make everything perfect for me. Somehow, he always managed to convince me, either by sweet-talking me or by some sort of romantic gesture. And I always fell for it.

Back at the time, I believe I knew in the back of my mind I was unhappy, but I wasn't willing to admit it even to myself. My appearance and behaviour did not give me away- I was always perceived as the perfect wife who mastered everything from cooking to doing the house chores and everything else (my husband also told me I was "not too shabby" between the sheets). I was constantly being flattered about the house, the food I prepared for our friends and often to my husband's business partners, and it was not uncommon for other men to stare at me and compliment me on my looks, sometimes in inappropriate ways I sort of enjoyed. Of course, my husband's reaction would always come shortly thereafter. He would always make sure that everyone knew that I'm his wife, and always did it aggressively, telling the man who flattered me to back off because I am his. This was sometimes followed by a push or a shove. This seemed very bizarre to me, since my husband was anything but violence. I dismissed it by saying to myself that he loves me so much, that he would do anything to protect me, even if I'm not in danger. And I also rationalized it by saying that his manly ego won't stand it if another man came on to his wife. In that way, I thought to myself, men aren't any different than they were when mankind began. The male is always the dominant one, and doesn't let other men get to close to his wife. That's why he "marks" her as his territory and guards her well. If only I knew beforehand how right I was…

But my husband's behaviour did not stop there. As a part of his wanting to make everything perfect (or in other words- exactly as he wants it), he would always criticize me about everything. He felt the obligation to give me advice about cooking, driving, even on things I can do better in bed. Contrary to this, in front of other people he'd never do so and always praise my doings. These critiques only happened when we were alone. I particularly remember when he taught me how to drive one lesson in which he got really mad because I forgot to signal just that once. I told him that it was no big deal and that he's teaching me so that I'll become a good and responsible driver. To that he replied, "If you want to be a responsible driver, it is best that you don't drive at all". I was so offended by that, I started crying. He then calmed me down by saying he was only kidding, and I, of course, took his word for it, while deep down inside knowing he wasn't.  I knew that it was important to be forgiving, and did not want to cause trouble to my marriage.

So every day I would go on and have my daily routine. Get up, prepare his breakfast, take a shower, go to work until midday and be back at home in time to clean it and have his lunch ready for him when he comes. Afterwards, we would each go do his things, sometimes having some bedtime fun, and then of course, supper and going to bed.

It was only that night that I finally realized that things were wrong. A neighbour asked me to keep a birdcage at my house for her son to come pick up. I thought it was a tad weird since she didn't have a bird, but never even gave it a second thought.

Then, as I was reading my book in the living room, some noise startled me and I looked up in that direction. The birdcage was on a table next to the mirror, and in the angle I was sitting in, it looked as though I was in the cage. In that fragment of a second I suddenly realized I was in a cage. Seeing that was enough for me to realize what I've been blocking and ignoring for so long- I am like a prisoner in my own house. I understood at once that my relationship with my husband is very unhealthy to me, that he is only damaging me and my self esteem, that everything has to always be his way, and that he doesn't really care what I feel as long as he gets what he wants. I immediately started bursting in tears. Everything I believed in, everything I deluded myself into thinking- was a lie. I didn't need much time to think about it. I wrote him a long letter, explaining everything I feel, packed up my bags and left for good.

It took months for me to heal, and even now I don't think I've completely healed, but starting that moment, starting from that night, I was free. Free to do what I want and be who I want. Free to be me.

That one dark night led me to a lifetime of happiness.

Written By Roei Levi